Consent and Consent to No Consent Defined and Explained

Consent and Consent to No Consent Defined and Explained

When it comes to sexual activity of any kind, everyone – all parties – must give consent for every action. If someone does not give explicit consent, that situation is an example of sexual assault.

When a member of Safe+Sound Somerset’s Community Outreach & Education team facilitates a discussion about consent, many people don’t know the difference between a real “yes” and a real “no.”

Consent for sexual activity is permission. The chart below provides a few examples of what a real “Yes” and real “No” might look like.

 

We use the F.R.I.E.S. and D.U.L.C.E.® handouts below in our educational workshops to explain the elements of consent for sexual activity to both adults and youth.

 

 

Sexual Assault

Sexual Assault is any unwanted, or nonconsensual, sexual action done by one person to another. It relies on power and control and is sexual activity without consent. Some examples of sexual assault include:

  • Rape and attempted rape
  • Unwanted sexual touching, grabbing, or pinching
  • Forcing someone to perform sexual actions (physical or emotional manipulation)
  • Sexual activity where someone cannot give consent legally (for example, they are not of age or intoxicated)

In our programming we are seeing an uptick in clients, both adults and youth, being pressured into sexual activity they do not want to do or being expected to agree to everything without the ability to change their mind. Neither of these situations is acceptable.

Consent is legal when you can change your mind. If someone had to say “Yes” to survive or because they were being pressured or threatened, that is not consent – it is sexual assault.

Every state has a different age of consent and various laws related to relationships and consent. In New Jersey, the age of consent is 16 for sexual activity with an older peer who is not supervising them. Learn more about the age of consent in NJ with our chart here.

Consent to No Consent in Sexual Activity

The concept of Consent to No Consent (CNC) originated in the Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism (BDSM) and Kink community. Recently, Safe+Sound Somerset has seen a harmful trend in the rise of a warped version of CNC among both adults and youth. We are hearing about it from adult survivors in our sexual violence services and from students as young as middle school.

CNC must be consensual. If CNC is done between consenting adults and appropriate boundaries are set and honored, including clear and specific consent conversations beforehand and the use of safe words when someone changes their mind, CNC is not sexual abuse.

Unfortunately, we are seeing people who have not had consent conversations being pressured into being unable to change their minds, which is sexual assault. Partners are using a warped version of CNC to gain and keep power and control over the other person.

This is happening because of harmful trends that have emerged including:

  • Free adult content sites that do not show typical consent conversations that take place among partners in the BDSM and Kink community.
  • The prevalence of social media clips, including on TikTok, that present harmful ideas about “no consent” being acceptable and normal.
  • People believing that they must compete with online adult content, or that their partner expects them to agree to everything portrayed in adult content.
  • Teens and young adults don’t recognize the power of “no.” They think they always need to have a safe word for sexual activity, instead of considering saying “no.” In fact “no” is the safe word, available to everyone, always.

Consent is for everyone in every sexual situation. No one should be forced or pressured into unwanted sexual activity. You always have the right to say “No” and to change your mind.

Communicate your boundaries ahead of time to your partner and ask your partner for their boundaries. If you feel unsafe, leave the situation by finding a safe place or calling a friend. If you experience sexual assault, it is not your fault and you are not alone.

We believe survivors and help survivors by providing safety planning, supportive listening, resources, and services for survivors. Call or text Safe+Sound Somerset’s free and confidential 24/7 Helpline at 866-685-1122.

 

 

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